weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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