I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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