wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
