I wish I could teleport
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
