My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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