even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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