I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
