My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
