and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
