you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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