I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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