I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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