She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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