Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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