i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
