I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize