Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
