wrigley field is MILF paradise
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
