I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
