hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
