So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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