you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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