I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
