i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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