you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
