I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
