So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
