totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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