my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
