My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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