id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
