I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
