I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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