I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
