Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
