It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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