i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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