I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
