my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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