god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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