Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My breasts were aching with rage.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
