gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
