if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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