No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
