I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She bit a glass in half.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
