On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
