I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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