Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
