4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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