i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
