dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize