this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
