I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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