dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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