I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
