Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
